Welcome to the Gospel Skeptic world. I am a skeptic believer, and for emphasis, I’m a believer (or perhaps I think I am). So what is this platform about?
Gospel Skeptic is about a human being who finds himself in a place called Earth with a family of believers in God, especially the all-loving God as defined by the Christians.
I was brought up as a child with some exposure to arguably the best book in the world, the Bible, or, I should say, the holy Bible. Then, what I had was a blue-colored, small-sized version I could wrap my hand around and put in the pocket of my clothes. It contained only the New Testament, having the four Gospels, the Acts of the Apostles, the Epistles from Paul, James, Peter, Jude, John, and the book of Revelation.
However, I should note that I wasn’t a church type as of then, so you shouldn’t be surprised to hear that my mom often forced me to go to church. At least, I could still remember crying sometimes on my way to church because my mom couldn’t bear to spare the rod and spoil a child.
I would say it was all for my own good, and when she suffered from a deteriorating health condition, I realized I would have to visit the church—even more churches with her. Oh! I didn’t tell you I was her only son with two sisters? I beg your pardon!
With my stubbornness, we went from church to church, both the ones pastored by man and woman in small and large buildings, and my mom was given assignments to perform. As it appeared, nothing worked, but she was faithful (or wasn’t she?). I mean, she appeared very thin and light, struggling to survive what we could not explain but was committed to service to God, hoping that she would be healed.
All the while, I was there. I saw her physically in pain, and I could not explain what it was or how it felt, but I saw something—something that was internally and externally eating her up. But she tried staying faithful. I could remember singing some worship songs to God while she was on her sick bed, and she was comforted. I guess she was happy that her stubborn child would do that. Was I led by the spirit? I don’t think I was born again at that time.
Her siblings tried their best, consulted with their prophets, and did assignments to no avail. Before I knew it, fingers were pointed at me. I was told I was the one tormenting my mom and should set her free. I was taken to a prophet with my mom and sister for counseling. The prophet brought out a large-bodied cane and tried to scare me into admitting to his prophetic claim that I was the one inflicting pain on my mom.
Wait! I was not a perfect child. Yes, I was stubborn growing up as a child, but inflicting pain on someone by causing them to suffer from some “spiritual attack” that affected their well-being was something I did not understand nor did I know how to do. Accusing me of doing something I don’t know made me confused even more.
Thank God there was no petrol, as the prophet exclaimed. Otherwise, I wonder if he would have set me on fire to scare me into accepting his accusation. Am I making this up? As far as I can remember, I don’t think I am. If my elder sister was reading this, I bet it would bring back memories.
FAST-FORWARD… FAST-FORWARD…
We went to the village where mom was given treatment by a native doctor (I mean a herbalist). We stayed in an unfinished building with no window casements and doors, sleeping on the floor with my aunt and younger sister, while our mom lay on a sick bed.
Mom later gave up the ghost after going through a lot with the hope of a miracle. She kicked the bucket on a Sunday with open eyes looking at me as I sat on a short stool across her sick bed, waving at her. In my mind, I was saying, Sorry, Mom. Sooner I realized I was subconsciously bidding her goodbye. I ran to her and shouted, Mommy! Mommy!! But to no avail.
For a moment, I thought she coughed or maybe she moved her body; maybe I was wrong. But I still think she did! What else, J? Around that time, my aunt became sick all of a sudden and was lying on a mat. I remember calling out to her that my mom was dying and could hear her tell me that her condition was worse than my mom’s. What? I didn’t understand that, but I perceived that she was going through a lot as she volunteered to take care of Mom.
When it became obvious that Mom was probably gone, Aunty woke up and gave me money to get her recharge card so she could call my uncle, mom’s brother, and family.
On the way, I sobbed and prayed to God to resurrect mom and was optimistic, with mixed feelings, confused, and didn’t understand what was going on, really. It was my first time seeing someone die. But it wasn’t anyone, friends; it was mom; she was father and mother to myself and my siblings. Perhaps she loved me more than I did myself.
Oh, those tears came back again. The memories brought them back. It took me seeing death to realize what I had, and with more uncertainties, I pondered what would happen to me next. Who will I stay with, what will I do, and so on were questions that came to mind. I was around 12, if not 13 years old.
How about my younger sister, who was around 5–6 years old? She had been with Aunty while I was with Mom, so I thought she was going to take care of her. My elder sister was not with us; I think she was in school. Well, all I can say is we survived and are still surviving.
My uncle took me in, sent me to school to acquire some level of education, and provided me with my basic needs as a child minus the love of a mother. I know I can’t repay him for everything, but I shall try in this reality.
You may be wondering, What is it with all these stories? Tell you what, that was a briefing to the beginning of a new dawn for me. I was drawn to the Lord through all that. Like the Psalmist, I was comforted by the saying from Psalms 27:10 KJV, “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.”
I soon came to accept my mom’s demise as God’s way of getting to me as my life turned a new leaf. I began attending services but didn’t know exactly what I was looking for. Maybe it was comfort in the new world I found myself, lonely and alone, away from my siblings, but with my mom’s brother and later his wife. There was a vacuum in me that no one could fill, or should I say I felt that emptiness? Shit! It’s as if I was lost in a desert.
There’s so much to say, but let’s follow the short train of thought. Like I said, I started attending church services. I attended a church called I Am That I Am, where the prophet called names and phone numbers and even claimed to have given out coupon codes to a gamer prophetically. I was obsessed with what was going on in the church and later left.
Then, I followed a pastoral family to the Living Faith Church. It was another experience there, as I was in their children’s church. I was called up to lead in some programs like “testimony time, overcomers time,” offering, praise and worship sessions, etc. Shy me. It was interesting, but there was something I didn’t like: I gave my life to Christ so many times, haha. That happened pretty much in the youth section, I guess.
I didn’t tell you that I did my first public church presentation at Winners Chapel. Yes, it was a children’s event with many canopies. I was to present something in a group on the love of God or Christ, with Bible quotations. On the very day, I walked my way to the event with an empty stomach with hope that I would have something to eat there. Most importantly, I didn’t want to disappoint my teacher at the church.
Surprise, surprised. I guess we did great with our presentation, but when it came to sharing of food, no one knew me any longer. It’s fine. I had to return as I came. I was disappointed that evening by the treatment, and at the same time I was happy I was given the privilege to join in the presentation, I guess.
I later left LFC for the Apostolic Church, where my uncle was a member. There, I finally gave my life to Christ (or I should say I received the life of Christ) in a cross-over service. It was a move into a new year with a new life. I was baptized by immersion and had this burning desire for Christ. I went on to preach in school classes and assemblies, and after school, I went to the streets.
Come to think of it, what happened the previous times I thought I received Christ into my life? Was I deceived or delusional? Perhaps. What about now?
This time, I was on fire for Christ, preaching repentance, faith in Christ, and eternal damnation for the unbelievers as I recalled that Jesus was coming soon. Was he coming soon? Perhaps not soon.
However, that was a long journey with its own intricacies, both internally and externally. Perhaps a good expression would be the trials of faith and what some would call persecution of the faithful, otherwise the test of faith and the perseverance of the saints.
Again, I should say that it was a long journey full of ups and downs, the good, the bad, and the ugly, but as it appeared, I was ready to give up everything, including family, friends, school, and more for the course, in obedience to Christ. But something happened.
As I take you into another face of my journey, I will not fail to mention that I later left The Apostolic Church for Bible Christian Crusader’s Mission (BCCM), where I was welcomed and given a platform to edify the congregation with words and worship songs. It was a wealthy place to be, and I enjoyed the time I spent there.
May I mention that I was involved in school fellowships and led as onetime vice president and two-times president of the Scripture Union in my school? It was a privilege I wished we could use to convert most of the students, but it didn’t work that way. However, we did what we could, myself and my few but great brothers and sisters in Christ.
Later, I left denominationalism and became interdenominational, but within pentecostalism. And while reading and studying the scriptures, I soon left the system and was committed to researching materials and listening to scholars, apologists, and bible teachers from the virtual world.
I had realized how broad and diversified Christianity is and was open to considering the different theologies from Arminianism, Calvinism, and Provisionism, as well as what people call Grace Evangelicals, when it had to do with soteriology. I found the main divide to be with the theological ideas called monergism and synergism.
I also considered other doctrinal differences like that of Trinity, Modalism, and Unitarianism, to mention a few. Then, the problem of evil and suffering, with the monilists offering a solution with the idea of middle knowledge.
The idea of an all-loving, all-knowing, and all-powerful God who is sovereign over all was thoughtworthy, with determinism and free will. What a struggle!
I consulted the scriptures over and over; I was searching for the truth, if any. I noticed everyone from different sects was claiming the truth, but they arrived at different positions.
Therefore, I asked, Is there an objective truth? If yes, what is it? The same rhetoric kept coming. Sadly, all differing views were justified by the scriptures. So? Pick and choose, then explain away? Hold on, something is wrong, so I thought.
As I studied more and considered, I was also interested in the consistent explanation of scriptures, and so I leaned gradually towards the Reformed Theology. Yes, I understood the complexities that come with that from the masses, haha.
Back forward a bit, I transitioned from what is called Arminianism to what is commonly called OSAS, though my understanding differed from the traditional view; it was more like the Reformed Theology, until I was open to Monergism. That was the switchover.
What about Catholicism? Ah, I didn’t consider it that much as a protestant. In fact, I was brought up to see the group as that of the Antichrist, but I later considered it. Wow, I was so wrong! The apologists and theologians were great! I mean, they made the idea of Jesus Christ and Mary, the mother of God, being co-saviors make sense to me. But is that the truth? Hmmm… What about Orthodoxy?
Then, the ideas of Sola fide, Sola scriptural, and Soli Deo gloria met. What is it? Did I mention that there are three main Christian Bibles? The Protestant Bible has 66 books, the Catholic Bible has 73 books, and the Ethiopian Bible has 88 books. Which one is the truly, divinely inspired, and correct word of God? It depends on who you ask and which sect you belong to. What about the various versions with KJV-Onlyism claiming superiority?
For me, I remained steadfast in what I thought was true and considered the explanations that were given for those problems while still searching for the truth in all of it.
Since the division was burdensome for me, I often reconsidered my discussions with others, both the arguments I offered and the ones they offered. I would return to the scriptures in my solitude, read the references again, and think along to see who is right and who is wrong. Some things like election, whether conditional or unconditional, determinism vs. free will—these things I pondered upon.
I really had no problem with God the creator doing with his creation as he pleased because he was all-knowing and all-powerful; neither did I take for granted the argument that there is free will, therefore God’s foreknowing. There was another; it’s open theism. My God! Are you there?
It soon became a real problem for me as I was more interested in the message of love and desired the unity of the brethren, but it seemed there was an individual problem, or was it really a problem with the scriptures? Or should I say problems with the Bible? I was willing to approach these things more openly, and rather than try to harmonize things, I looked at them more critically and asked questions.
I questioned the stories in Genesis, Yahweh acting insecure in Eden, appearing as a man, acting like he’s not all-knowing, and other stories, especially the idea of God sending another God (or person of God) to die for people to have access to a tree of life. Isn’t that the same tree of life He tried to keep from people in the beginning? That appeared inconsistent to me. I mean, these things didn’t make sense to me!
Ha, the deeper I went with the questions, the darker it became for me. I asked, and the answers I got were not convincing. I listened to different opinions and arguments, and they enabled me to ask more questions. And boom! Things began to fall apart.
I took the bold step out of the box and began considering other materials from Muslims, Hindus, Atheists, and the like. Then, I realized there’s a lot—far, much more than I can ever know in this life. I was in a box with 66 books, which was used to influence how I should live my life and what I should do with other materials called secular. The threats of hell and the fear of it I must overcome. Love for humanity I shall display. But what are all these? I became skeptical—more for later.
Now, what if we harmonize our disagreements and different views of the scriptures and the gospels as we do with the gospels and other scriptures? How about that? The writers were divinely inspired, and we are not? It’s alright. But isn’t that idea a result of individual convictions people had about those writings?
One may think that I have eaten what they call the forbidden fruit. If you think so, all I’d say is, What is that? You, tell me.
Considerately, I am a believer, but I might not believe what you believe about your beliefs; I’m sorry. So, on this platform, I’ll be considering those religious beliefs and the holy scriptures from different perspectives to present something thoughtful and objective as I continue my search.
As for you, whether you can be as faithful as my mom was or not, I implore you to think more critically about faith and the facts about life.
Note: In due time, I shall update this section with the names of some, if not most, of the people I mentioned, as well as the times of events. However, I dedicate this section to my late mother, Maria.